Emotional Intelligence & Relationships
Emotional Intelligence is making the rounds as a hot topic in leadership circles, and on one specific leadership-and-talent-focused social media platform *cough, LinkedIn, cough*.
But even in its frequency of use and seeing it pop up in updates a’plenty, you may find yourself asking what it really is...or what it means for you.
(Foreshadowing: really good things if you’re interested in happier people (and a happier YOU), higher creativity, good-feeling effectiveness...and much much more).
Emotional Intelligence 101
Emotional Intelligence (aka EQ) is an individual’s ability to recognize their own and others’ emotions (what up, empathy), and use the insights these emotions offer to navigate relationships in life and work, and achieve our goals in the most effective way possible.
In short, it’s the ability to recognize that all people have emotions (yes, even you, “I don’t give much weight to my feelings” sayer), that they are real and valid (even when we want to disagree with them or dismiss them), and to be able to pinpoint and identify when we’re experiencing one. That’s the foundation of emotional intelligence.
And, it’s the gateway to using our EQ to navigate all relationships—in life and work—effectively with as little friction as possible (though yes, it’s a reality of this human condition + human experience we’re in).
Having a balanced EQ, essentially, sets a person up with a handy and hefty toolbox for healthy relationship building, problem-solving, stress management AND being a high-potential leader.
Emotional Intelligence isn’t a new concept; it’s been around, in various forms, since the early 60s and popularized by science journalist Daniel Goleman when he wrote and published the book Emotional Intelligence in 1995.
Since then, a handful of models have developed that adopt unique perspectives on how to assess and leverage EQ to amplify performance or effectiveness. And, #cool, the EQ movement is no longer being applied only in corporate environments (where it began), but also in other group and individual settings, such as classrooms—where savvy EQ pros, like Dr. Marc Brackett and his RULER method/model, are using it to introduce kids to emotional intelligence before they hit puberty (PS: Hi, Marc! If you’re reading this: THANK YOU).
EQ-i 2.0: The second iteration of Reuven Bar-On’s Emotional Quotient Indicator assessment
Now that we have a little insight into the history and guts of what Emotional Intelligence is, let’s take a peek at one way it’s assessed and measured—by the EQ-i 2.0 model; a science-based model and assessment that is considered to be the leading tool of one’s EQ by the Psychology community.
In the words of The Emotional Intelligence Training Company, “The Emotional Quotient Inventory (EQ-i 2.0) is the world’s leading measure of emotional intelligence, applying decades of research to support effective human performance and development.”
EQ-i 2.0 is a level B Psychometric (fancy right?) dynamic ‘snapshot’ of a person’s emotional and social competence at the moment they take it. It’s completely context-sensitive and can pick up subtle—or not so subtle—elements of a person’s emotional life occurring in real-time (such as major transitions or subtle changes they’re experiencing). The test is designed to help the participant see and understand how their emotions can be leveraged into growing skills + competencies that help them become more effective at work and life.
Essentially, how to work with our emotions instead of being worked by them.
It’s the kind of assessment that needs to be debriefed by a certified practitioner; one who can walk participants through the results, and create a deeper understanding of what the data can offer them as insight into their EQ. It’s a launchpad for their EQ evolution.
Emotional Intelligence EQ-i 2.0 Model Breakdown
Even though on the surface it may seem a bit complicated and a little intense (easy there, science-despisers of the world), if you break down the EQ-i 2.0 into its components (5 categories containing three competencies each), it makes a lot of sense:
Self-Perception: The way we see, support and engage with our inner world (our ‘Insides’ if you will), broken down to include:
Self Regard: The home of inner strength and confidence; the words we use to speak to ourselves + what we truly think about who we are.
Self-Actualization: The pursuit of personal growth through doing things that inspire our creativity, stretch our minds and shift us into a deeper sense of connection with ourselves.
Emotional Self-Awareness: Seeing and understanding our emotions, being able to see the cause of those emotions, and seeing the impact they have on others.
Self Expression: The way we bring our inside world, out (aka our “Outsides”, if you will), broken down to include:
Emotional Expression: Letting our emotions be expressed—both with words and actions.
Assertiveness: Standing for, and creating boundaries through, communicating openly in a way that honours the humanity and dignity of the people and spaces around you.
Independence: Relying on oneself for emotional stability, and finding autonomy in day to day life.
3. Interpersonal: The In-between work; where your Insides + your Outsides meet and have the power to create a deep connection with those you come in contact with, broken down to include:
Interpersonal Relationships: Engagement in and fulfillment through reciprocal relationships built and maintained over time.
Empathy: Acknowledging others’ emotions, honouring and respecting them as a unique experience unto themselves.
Social Responsibility: The contribution to the communities surrounding you that you participate in; ie. the expression of your social consciousness.
4. Decision Making: Making values aligned and emotionally informed (instead of reactive) choices, broken down to include:
Problem Solving: Teasing solutions out of emotional situations.
Reality Testing: Simply put, staying objective where emotion or bias could easily decide something for you.
Impulse Control: Tempering urgency with patience; resisting impulse, avoiding rash behaviours.
5. Stress Management: How well we cope with life’s BS, broken down to include:
Flexibility: Adapting to unpredictable circumstances—specifically emotions, thoughts and behaviours.
Stress Tolerance: Capacity for coping with challenging situations in a positive, contributing way.
Optimism: Ability to (honestly) express positivity, hopefulness, and resilience consistently through peaks and valleys.
The EQ-i 2.0 also draws four of these competencies together to measure overall happiness; markers that have been studied and acknowledged to be indicators of deep satisfaction with life (when present or high) or an absence of it (when neglected or low):
Self Regard
Self Actualization
Interpersonal Relationships
Optimism
To simplify all that sciency stuff up there, we could also break Emotional Intelligence down into a series of questions, such as the folks at A Better Version have done (as seen in the diagram above).
Self-perception: Am I realistic about how I perceive myself?
Self-expression: What would it feel like if I express myself more?
Interpersonal: Are there better ways to connect at a personal level?
Decision Making: How can I make more decisions that balance emotion and strategy?
Stress Management: What ways can I manage stress better?
As a communication coach, I love the questions they’ve articulated to express the core theme or intent of each section. Simplifying it into those general questions is really helpful for people to see the application of these categories as an influence on behaviour and effectiveness...and how they can reflect to move into new outcomes or actions.
How Emotional Intelligence tools enhance all relationships, especially at work & in romance
While the EQ-i 2.0’s model’s purpose is to support participants in using their emotions in an effective and meaningful way—specifically in the context of the workplace—once they go through the test and evaluation, it creates a new awareness of themselves; both their strengths and sticky spots they have to work with and through to find a greater sense of ease, workability and dynamic connection in all aspects of their life.
Once participants are given the know-how and the tools to work with that, they can use this newfound awareness to work through their own challenges first, helping them become better able to navigate any conversation.
Whether those conversations involve extreme joy or deep challenge (and everything in between) the participants learn to keep the trust, respect, dignity and humanity of the people around them intact.
Alternatively, if any of those areas break down, they now have a pathway to reflect and a tool to recover from those breakdowns. For example, if something goes sideways in one of the five specific categories, a person can shift one section BACK to refresh, regroup and go back and try again. Struggling in Interpersonal situations? Go back and take a look at Self-Expression for opportunities to own a breakdown, then go back, and give it another go.
Examples of Emotional Intelligence in action.
Reading all the theory behind an assessment model like the EQ-i 2.0 is all well and good, and practical examples of real-life situations are key to zeroing in on a better understanding of EQ in action.
Emotional Intelligence at Work
Consider a noisy boardroom or meeting room filled with people speaking out of turn, cutting one another off, one or two people fighting for the last word (...this is actually one of my recurring nightmares).
It’s these kinds of spaces that clearly show the impact of low impulse control (not being able to hold on to a question or comment until someone is done speaking), high assertiveness (willingness to defend an idea, personal perspective, or the ego), low empathy (unable to access understanding or perspective of other people and other ideas in the room), and low emotional self-awareness (little-to-no understanding of the impact of their communication on the people around them).
This is the making of a psychologically unsafe environment…something that needs to be tended to - pronto.
Looking at this kind of situation, an emotionally intelligent leader is going to be able to remain cool as an ice climber in a snowstorm, while leading by example and calmly directing the individuals around them to be more courteous, patient, and kind within the conversation. Even better, employees who have completed an EQ assessment (along with their boss) are all going to have the tools in their mental trunks to not only be more aware of themselves, but the others involved in the conversation. #winning
Emotional Intelligence in the Individual
Here’s a personal share:
When I most recently did my own personal assessment, the results came back that two of my lowest scores were in the Decision Making category: Problem Solving + Reality Testing.
It wasn’t too much of a shock because while I make clear and confident decisions in a work context (ie. I’m able to feel and discern my emotions, then use that insight as information to solve problems in a thoughtful way that’s connected to the bigger reality outside my own brain), in a personal sense big feelings can wash over me + win out over my ability to see the whole picture, and find the best solution to move forward with.
Like the time I was invited to go on a sailing trip with six pals to BC’s Desolation Sound (uhm...it’s ALWAYS a yes because it’s stunning) and I went into a spiral of big feelings and anxiety about whether or not it was the trip I needed right now (it was), how I felt about going into other communities in the midst of a global pandemic (still not sure about that), and if I could make it work with work (I could...I simply needed to get creative).
When the feelings eventually (it took a lil bit) diluted in intensity and I got out of self-preservation mode, I reminded myself of how hard I can make these moments when I let the feels take up too much space. So, I took out a trusty pen and paper and got to work making (yup, you guessed it) a pros and cons list. Less needing to know what was good and bad, the practice of writing out facts over feelings helped me see the situation more clearly. Knowing that those two areas (Problem-Solving and Reality Testing) can be challenging for me (though the emotional intensity got the best of me), once I had my brain back, I knew the tools to use to help me navigate that decision.
And yep, I got my butt on that sailboat for what would be the best five days of the summer.
Emotional Intelligence in Romantic Relationships
On the flip side, and using myself as another EQ example in action, I scored super high on Independence. In this model, sure, it’s about being able to do things solo, but also the ability to be emotionally independent; to be the one in the driver’s seat of my emotional experience, over allowing others’ actions or words to determine my emotional state, or requiring reassurance or validation.
In a romantic sense...good gosh, this one’s a multi-edged situation. While independence is something I appreciate as a strength and that’s served me well both in experiences I’ve had AND in my ability to navigate challenging emotional situations with romantic partners (trusting my feelings and standing for what I know I want), the strength can be a weakness in times where it could serve my relationship to have my partner help me out or support me.
There’s a deep emotional intimacy that grows when we open ourselves to being supported and seen by our people—specifically our romantic partners. My work is in recognizing when it will serve me to lean into the independence that’s innate and very well-practiced in this 34-year lifespan, and when it will serve our family (or our two-person unit) for me to dial down the independence, and dial-up the connection between us by seeking collaboration in decision making, or asking for extra support in challenging or stressful seasons.
Any way you look at—from the heart or as sciencey things—Emotional Intelligence is one of the biggest life tools you can gift yourself with at any stage, for any reason. Because of this—and because, well, it’s my calling as a communication coach to help individuals and businesses up their EQ game—I’m currently offering an EQ-i 2.0 assessment and coaching debrief.
f you’re ready to dig deep to uncover your emotional strengths and start using them to improve all of your relationships, I’m here and ready to chat.